Tuesday, October 31, 2006


DC BACHELOR - At my first corporate gig I looked for a book that would
help me cope and adjust to corporate life. I never did find one, but now
after nearly six years I have figured it out on my own. These are my
tips that make working for corporations a little bit more tolerable.

1. Put your back to your cubicle entrance and practice falling asleep
with one hand on the keyboard and the other on the mouse. (Make sure you
have a work-related document open on the screen.) This is easy to do if
you have a chair that has a high back. There are two things to watch out
for: (1) Your screensaver may activate while you nap, and (2) Your hand
may smash some keys, making people who pass by you wonder why you have a
screen full of G's. . .

2. Assume you are doing a perfect job unless your boss gives regular
feedback, which he probably doesn't. When you are rated incompetent in
several areas during your yearly performance review, go through the five
stages of grief. They will admire the fact that you "care" and may not
put you under a "performance management plan." . . .

3. Do not get buddy-buddy with your boss. Rapport with you boss will
just make it easier for him to ask special favors of you that do not
translate into more pay. Stay distant: When he asks how your weekend
was, repeat the same thing every week ("Oh I just sat around the house
and watched TV") until he stops asking. Instead, be nice to everyone but
your boss. This way if he tries to fire you, everyone will chime in and
say what a great person you are, weakening his power and making him
appear delusional.

4. Be average. Do just enough work to not get fired but not so much work
that they consider you for management. The responsibilities that come
with management rarely makes it worth the often measly increase in pay.
. . .

5. Always have one good idea in the bag if your slacking is being
noticed by many people. . .

6. Contemplate killing yourself. Or, walk by the break room every 30
minutes to see if there is any leftover food, in the middle of yet
another attempt to break your record of most number of times you can
check your personal email in one day.


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