The Onion Weekly Dispatch - 21 February 2007

	Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11
		NEW YORK—Supporters of the former mayor praised Giuliani for his "early and unwavering commitment" to 9/11
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	Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imagination WASHINGTON, DC—"By constantly reminding kids that they're human children with no magical skills, you ensure that they will live a prolonged life," child-safety expert Kenneth McMillan said. More News »
	Rapture Wreaks Havoc On Local Book Club MARION, IN—Following last week's rapture, which transported four members of the Marion Mockingbirds Book Club to heaven in order to be with Jesus Christ, the three remaining members have reportedly been scrambling to maintain a regular Wednesday meeting schedule as well as the usual coffee-and-pastry rotation. "It's a shame because I think Shirley had the most stimulating opinions, and I was really looking forward to hearing what she'd have to say about [Fannie Flagg's Standing In The Rainbow] right before her ascension," said club member Diane Valinsky Monday. "And we were supposed to meet at Lucas' house this week, but I guess that's out now, seeing as the armies of Satan are on the march." Valinsky said she and the remaining members were not surprised that the Antichrist turned out to be Mitch Albom, calling his latest fiction effort, For One More Day, "disappointing." Next News Brief »

		XM, Sirius to Merge "Cool. I didn't think I was paying enough for my service before." — Kendra Peters, Furnace Repairperson More American Voices »

Interview: Ben Garant and Tom Lennon of Reno 911! Two of Reno 911!'s creators talk about the show, the film, the network, the scripts, and the material you aren't seeing....

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