Friday, March 30, 2007

Patriotic Trash

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Patriotic Trash (32 comments )

Today I was watching CNN Headline News as I was eating lunch and saw a quick piece (everything's quick on Headline News. It's "Headline" News, not "Insightful Details" News) on the scandal over the firing of the eight federal prosecutors for not being loyal enough to the Bush agenda. Directly after the snippet there was another snippet on Rove rapping and dancing at the Radio and TV Correspondents dinner.

Now I have to admit I perked up when the story came on. Like a dog barking at the TV when another dog does tricks on America's Most Intriguing Pet Tricks or whatever, I leaned forward a bit. "Bald evil guy dance and and act like he's not white" I'm sure the reptilian part of my brain thought. It was yet another example of how good the corporate Repubs are at manipulating people. You can imagine how the meeting went down...

Bush: We're dying here. Somebody do something or I'll never get to be commissioner of baseball!
Cheney: I think everything's fine. We just have to be patient.
Bush: You listen to me, you half dead meat golem, I don't care if you get Rove to break dance and rap, I want a distraction so I can exercise and nap in peace!
Cheney: Wait! Say that again...
Bush: What?
Cheney: Say what you just said again!
Bush: I already forgot what I said.
Cheney: You said something about Rove rapping...etc. etc.

And there you have it. Let's face it, the reason these criminals get elected and hold office is because they know how to master the spectacle -- the events that hit you in the repro organs, not the brain. I'm talking war, gayness, affairs, crime... This is the ground that Rove, Bush and Cheney walk on. Because if they were telling us what they want to do -- and have done -- using logic, they would never have gotten elected host of a book club. "As President, I will lead us into war because it gives me more centralized power and lets me give huge payouts to corporations that are headed by all my buddies!! Are you with me?" Smash cut to find he's speaking to an empty auditorium with a janitor played by the late Scatman Crothers sweeping up: Mister, you're crazy...

So instead they give us the good stuff. And I'm not just talking about Rove break dancing, though that is definitely an example of "good stuff." They also give us Britney with no panties and missing co-eds in Aruba and visions of ethnic gangs wanting to invade our homes. They give us nerdy liberals who can't make a decision and want to quit and leaders who wear cowboy hats and American Idol. This is really, really good shit.

And if you're asking how Bush and the big money Repubs gave us Britney with no underwear, well just look at who owns all the TV stations: GE, Disney, Viacom. And then watch Fox News when Bush is in the middle of a big scandal and notice how much Anna Nicole Smith coverage there is.

So here's the idea: We should combine the sensational with the smart and productive. We connect all reform bills and ideas that will actually help the country to sensational tabloid events.

So if Nancy Pelosi wants to push through a campaign finance bill (which would do tons of good but bores people when you talk about it) then we have her blouse slip down to show a nipple while she's out at Bungalow Eight with Stephen Dorff. Then while she's explaining the accidental "nip slip" (as the tabloids call it) she can casually mention that she had been working hard on the campaign finance reform bill which will take big business out of government and put Americans first. Now I know Nancy Pelosi is a dignified woman but she is also a patriot and I think will let a button pop for her country.

A recent hard issue to get across is the damage done to the Constitution by the illegal NSA wiretapping without a warrant. People need to be safe, the Repubs say, and the rest of us counter with talk about the rights of individuals and checks and balances and the long term health of our nation. And it's a bore. So here's what we do: We get Joe Biden to date Jennifer Aniston. It's that simple. And maybe after a few weeks he cheats on her with Courtney Cox. Yes, everyone hates him because be broke up a friendship between America's sweetheart and Cox and broke Aniston's heart but remember, Mr. and Mrs. Smith made a fortune after Pitt broke up with Aniston. The idea of bad press at this point is almost quaint.

Here are some other changes we can make for our nation using this new and revolutionary technique:

1) Double the education budget for our nation's schools by raising taxes on the top five percent of earners and reducing the defense budget by having Barbara Boxer get into a cat fight with Lindsay Lohan outside of Hyde at 2am.

2) Bring back the assault weapons ban by releasing a home made porn tape starring Senator Robert Byrd.

3) Highlight the issue of global warming by circulating rumors that Al Gore is doing coke on the set of his new documentary and is having an affair with Tara Reid.

4) Promote diplomatic talks with Syria and Iran by having John Murtha claim he is the father of Anna Nicole's baby.

5) Establish universal health care by having Hillary Clinton get caught in a hot tub with Flavor Flav.

It's time the real patriots step up to repair the damage done in the past seven years. And if true reform happens to involve Charlie Sheen and a trio of hookers then so be it. Would Thomas Jefferson have done less?

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