NINE WAYS A DEPRESSION WILL HELP NEW YORKERS

From the Village Voice

1. No more gym memberships. A small cadre of Alphas will do all the brain-work. We cubicle monkeys will be carrying hods and mixing cement in the new Public Works Administration, and what a workout that'll be. . .

2. No more illegal drugs. $120 an ounce for weed? $50 a gram for coke? It's true that some poor people already take these drugs and others, but we are still in days of affluence, if only our last ones; a poor tweaker can currently do some manual labor, or hook, to get meth. . .

3. No more Jenny Craig. There'll be no need to pay someone to tell you not to eat.

4. No more $19 cocktails. Dive bars are in! Real ones, we mean. And the days when you had to dress fly and spend big to pick someone up are also gone; like as not, you'll just have to offer them a sandwich.

5. No more pro sports tickets. . .

6. No more tech upgrades. . .

7. No more expensive grooming products. Soap and hot water will be your new skin care regime. . .

8. No more upscale entertainments. . . When you're not throwing craps or whittling, you'll head to the cineplex to watch Seth Rogen, the Wallace Beery of the new Depression, and hope they're giving away dishes. . .

9. No more big plans. . .