HuffPo Exclusive: Secret Memo Reveals Hillary's Red State Strategy for '08

December 9, 2005
Arianna Huffington

HuffPo Exclusive: Secret Memo Reveals Hillary's Red State Strategy for '08


Nov. 6 -- Hillary Clinton's attempt to rebrand herself as a red state friendly DLC Democrat -- Bush on Brains -- continues with her decision to sign on as a co-sponsor of the Flag Protection Act, which makes it illegal to desecrate the American flag. It's stars, stripes, and triangulation. But, according to a top secret strategy memo leaked to the Huffington Post by a senior (and wholly fictional) Clinton official, this is only the beginning.

TO: ALL
FROM: HRCRSSCT (Hillary Rodham Clinton Red State Street Cred Team)
RE: BUILDING ON FLAG BURNING SUCCESS

Good news. Our internal polling is going through the roof over HRC's signing on to Bennett's flag burning bill. Our focus group feedback shows it's the perfect have-it-both-ways positioning. We get to be pro-flag and anti-constitutional ban at the same time. Moderate Dems can embrace this as the lesser of two evils; Red Staters just know that we support Old Glory. Sure, we're getting some blowback from the lefty blogs...but that actually helps up our Red state street cred. Messaging suggestion: HRC might want to lay off the flag burning/cross burning comparisons (even NASCAR dads don't equate flag burning protestors with the KKK).

HRCRSSCT recommends that we continue to push the envelope with our Phase Two rollout. Here are the top ideas we discussed at our last meeting. Feedback and progress reports welcome.

Defense of Marriage Act (the Sequel)

HRC proposes amendment to Defense of Marriage Act making it mandatory for gays to marry... but only heterosexuals. It might even play both ways: she's pro-gay marriage (indeed, it's compulsory), but anti gays marrying gays. Insert language into HRC speech, something like "I know this can work, and I speak as someone with experience in troubled marriages." Bonus: anytime HRC talks about her marriage her "sympathetic" numbers spike. Any chance HRC and BC could pull a Huckabee and re-state vows in a covenant marriage?

Shoot On Sight Border Patrol

A Red State "three-fer": we score points with anti-immigration crowd, national security crowd ("shooting terrorists at the border so we don't have to shoot them at home"), and the NRA crowd. Using Gingrich and Frist photo-op template, we should arrange press avail w/Minutemen and Wayne LaPierre (is Heston out of the question? Can we photoshop him in?) Synergistic legislative tie-in to:

Defense of the Second Amendment Act

HRC introduces bill to make possession of a concealed weapon mandatory when voting or getting driver's license. Have banner (and Ted Nugent) ready for announcement: "Hillary '08: She'll Blow You Away." Question: is it legal for HRC to wear a holster and revolver on the floor of the Senate? If so, which plays better: waist, shoulder, or strapped to calf?

Darwin? Darwon't!

HRC sponsors bill requiring that "alternative theories" of creation be discussed in all government buildings. Dobson is on board (he's already faxed bible verses for HRC to memorize for event). For those speaking on this issue for HRC, remember, "Intelligent Design" is not about religion, it's about science. Also, any way to connect Darwin with Darfur?

Sturgis Rally

The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is being held on August 7th, and we expect HRC to be the "Grand Marshall." HRC has agreed to get three tattoos. Thoughts? Top suggestions so far: "Semper Fi," "Live Fast Die Young," and "Senators Do It on the Floor." Check local chapter of Hell's Angels for endorsement and temp renaming to "Hillary's Angels." Must be sure HRC's motorcycle lessons are completed by then, and remind her to call her bike her "hog." Also, what size bustier and leather skirt is HRC?

War on Satan

HRC sponsors bill authorizing president to use all available force against Satan -- and the nations that harbor him -- to spread freedom and democracy in Hell (get Brownback and Coburn to co-sponsor?). Give perfunctory nod to UN demon inspectors, but avoid giving France veto power. Main goal: removing Beelzebub's WMDP -- weapons of mass demonic possession. Call Chalabi to be transition guy (he's in touch with both sides). Name? Operation Hell Freedom? Or Operation Enduring Exorcism?

Defense of Christmas Act

HRC sponsors bill making it illegal to say the words "Happy Holidays." Likely won't fly with SCOTUS, but we'll still get PR bump. Don't forget Election Day '08 is less than two months before Xmas '08! Maybe we limit ban to federal employees. HRC can prohibit use of "HH" among staff -- and have ritual firing of office violator in October '08. Potential tie-ins: DC bonfire burning DVDs of "Holiday," "Roman Holiday," "Death Takes a Holiday," etc. Have Madonna sing her hit "Holiday" but change the lyrics to "Christmas" (Q: Is she Jewish now?). Could also legally change names of "Chanukah" and "Kwanzaa" to "Christmas" (a win-win-win). Slogan idea: "Single Prayer System"? Check to see if Gibson and O'Reilly will appear at presser and endorse. Make sure to have big cross and manger (with baby Jesus) behind podium. Idea for Hillary '08 slogan: "Hillary: She Saved Christmas."

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Nora Ephron
12.07.2005


Condi, Hillary, Veronica, Betty

It must be an amazing week for the Germans; finally, thanks to this administration, they have a moment in time where they can be morally superior to the United States. Yesterday I found myself so grateful for German chancellor Angela Merkel for nailing Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice that I considered giving up my lifelong opposition to owning a Volkswagen; I even thought it might be about time for us all to take that long-postponed trip to the new, hot Berlin.
(While in the neighborhood, we can of course “do” Auschwitz.) Meanwhile I hope someone will explain to Merkel how she managed to misunderstand Rice, who insists she did not say that the American government had made a mistake in kidnapping a German citizen and torturing him; what she claims she said was that if mistakes were made, they would be corrected. This is classic Ricespeak -- the passive hypothetical tense -- and it probably doesn’t translate well to Germans, who tend to be more emphatic.

I've been thinking a lot about Condi lately, when I haven’t been thinking about Hillary. They both make me feel bad, but for different reasons. I feel bad about Condi because in spite of her deliciously humiliating European adventure, she still seems to be enjoying this rock-star-slash-dominatrix thing; just last night, in the Ukraine, she coyly dismissed the suggestion that she might be a presidential candidate and giggled over the numerous references to herself as a warrior princess. Meanwhile, I feel bad about Hillary for all the obvious reasons, including this week's position on flag-burning and last week's position on Iraq (you can find it on her website).

Hillary Clinton went to Wellesley College a few years after I did, and I’ve always thought that the key to Hillary lay in understanding what Wellesley wanted in those days from its alumnae: you were meant to graduate, marry a powerful man, and preside over dinner parties in the following manner -- when the two men on either side of you disagreed violently, you were to step in and point out the remarkable similarities between their diametrically-opposed positions. You were meant to make nice. You were meant to find the middle. (If you actually went into politics, you were meant to work for the League of Women Voters, an organization that had no actual politics but was simply in favor of getting everyone to vote.) Condi Rice is seven years younger than Hillary and went to Stanford, but no question she caught the same disease, and it was doubtless aggravated by her years as a university provost, a job that consists entirely of smoothing things over. Most of Rice’s career has been spent saying nothing whatsoever; some days I’m almost nostalgic for the moment when she waxed her way into that famous mushroom cloud quote, even if it too was hypothetical.

By the way, this last weekend at the Kennedy Center Honors State Department dinner, Condi got up and gave a speech in which she said that being in a room with so many genuinely talented people reminded her of why she was right to give up her dream of being a concert pianist. I heard this from a friend who quoted it appreciatively, as if it proved that Condi at least had some respect for artists. Instead it made me wish with all my heart that someone had given her enough false encouragement to stick with the piano.

Meanwhile, I’m sorry to be dwelling simultaneously on these two women because I can feel myself being sucked into one of the most insidious natural laws in the universe: for every Veronica there must be a Betty. It should be possible for me to think about Hillary without thinking of Condi, and vice versa. And I would never buy into the possibility of a Hillary-Condi presidential contest; it’s so clearly the fantasy of people (like Dick Morris) who hate Hillary but want to pretend they have nothing against a woman running for president, per se. But like Betty and Veronica -- who except for their hair color look exactly alike -- Hillary and Condi are starting to blur together in my brain. As they inch their way toward the middle, both blowing smoke, it’s hard to know which of them I’m more irritated by: the one I can’t stand, or the one I’m going to be stuck supporting if she gets the nomination.