WIT AND WISDOM

U.S. Cedes Control of Iraq to Jerry Bruckheimer

Megaproducer to Guide Nation's Transition to Disaster Film

“In a high-risk exit strategy that surprised many in diplomatic circles, President George W. Bush announced today that the United States would cede control of Iraq to the Hollywood megaproducer Jerry Bruckheimer.

“The decision to transfer sovereignty of Iraq to Mr. Bruckheimer, best known for such Hollywood thrill-rides as "Pirates of the Caribbean," struck many foreign policy experts as unorthodox at best, since Mr. Bruckheimer has no experience at nation-building and has never set foot in Iraq.

“But at the White House today, a beaming President Bush said that Mr. Bruckheimer was the most logical choice to guide Iraq in its transition from a Middle Eastern nation to a big-budget disaster film.”

— from The Borowitz Report

QUOTED!

“As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else.... It’s being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States.” — Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), comparing the Iraq War to the Lord of the Rings

“I enjoy cocaine because it’s a fun thing to do....I enjoy the company of prostitutes for the following reasons: it's a fun thing to do....If you combine the two together it's probably even more fun.” — Rep. Robert Wexler (D-Fla.), during an interview with Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert. Wexler, who’s sure to win in his upcoming uncontested election, was egged on by Colbert to say the very things that would make him lose in a competitive race.