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Matt Titus's recent post "How to Be Faithful" struck a nerve with readers. And it's something I've thought a good deal about, so I decided to look not at monogamy as a goal, but as a social construct. First let me say that if you are in a monogamous relationship, I encourage you to stay within the rules of your relationship, or speak to your partner, rather than simply cheat. But I do believe that monogamy has become fetishized as the only answer to a large degree, with the result being that many people are either locked into relationships they aren't happy with, or are conducting affairs on the side and feeling guilty about it (or not).
This was all brought home to me last week, when I had one of the strangest dinner conversations I've ever had. A guy I'd never met, but who knows some friends of mine, started contacting me by email. He was very persistent, and charming, so I invited him to a reading I was giving. He showed up, and we went for dinner afterward. I wasn't sure if it was a date -- it could've been, but was unclear -- or whether I wanted it to be. Until, that is, he told me he has a girlfriend. He said it matter-of-factly, like it was just a simple fact, dropped as nonchalantly as his hometown. As it turns out, although they live together and have been a couple for six years, he gets around, and often. He seemed utterly unconflicted as he estimated that, on average, he sleeps with another woman once a month. To his credit, he has no misperceptions about what he's doing. "I'm not a swinger, I'm a cheater," he said. Sadly, I'm sure he is far from alone in his extracurricular mating habits.
I asked my friend Suzanne Portnoy, author of The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker: An Erotic Memoir, which chronicles her racy sex life filled with multiple partners, about her take on monogamy. She says there "was never a 'light bulb' moment. Following my divorce and then getting into the swinging scene, I started juggling partners and realized I preferred having a variety of sexual partners to just one." Another friend, Tess, is in an open marriage; she doesn't have sex with her husband anymore, but takes outside lovers. He's free to as well, but as far as she knows, he doesn't. She recently blogged about why she's still in her marriage, despite these constraints. I know a married couple where they're allowed to make out with other people, and take advantage of this rule. I know a triad (one man and two women) who live together quite happily, and are raising children together. One friend described her multiple committed relationships as being "like Big Love, without the patriarchy."
Many who've struggled with monogamy's constraints have concluded that, for various reasons, it's just not for them. As Susan Mernit wrote recently at BlogHer:
You see, even if I ended up getting super-serious with the person I am seeing, and decided to move in with him and make a long-term commitment, I just don't think it would be truthful or wise to also agree to forsake all others. I don't feel an emotional need to make this sort of promise, because I've come to question, okay, I don't believe, that sexual exclusivity is a determinant for commitment. And I also don't believe that being in a serious relationship and deeply loving someone always precludes caring for -- and choosing to be involved with -- someone else. Or that not being sexually exclusive is going to wreak havoc with a committed relationship, no matter what.
What really seems important to me in relationships these days, is not choosing monogamy, but choosing openness, authenticity, trust and communication.
I agree with Titus, completely, that "fantasy is a good thing." And for many people, monogamy works just fine. But for others, both men and women, monogamy is not a perfect system and doesn't allow them to fully realize themselves. By that I don't mean "sleep with anyone they want," but rather that we may reveal different aspects of ourselves to different people. Think about your various close friends; the way you interact with them is likely different for each one. Some people have that same experience with lovers; they may be married or in a long-term relationship, but have someone else they see occasionally or frequently. Open relationships are not all about sex, either. We may want someone we can talk to, share with, who provides a different kind of support or energy or way of relating than our primary partner.
See more stories tagged with: polyamory, sex, relationships
Rachel Kramer Bussel is an author and editor of over a dozen erotic anthologies, most recently Hide and Seek and Crossdressing. She hosts In The Flesh Erotic Reading Series and is a former sex columnist for The Village Voice.
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